I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
