I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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