I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
