Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
