Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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