How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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