When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
