Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
