I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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