I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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