You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
