I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
