Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
