At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
