Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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