Umm I'm too high to move.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
