Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
