I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her