There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
