You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
