so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
