There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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