he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
