$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
