she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
