No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
