She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
