It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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