I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
