You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
