I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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