I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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