Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
