I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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