I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
