Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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