I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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