I think im going to throw up on grandma
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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