Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
this hospital has no fireball
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
