so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
