He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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