I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
