the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I could make wine with my vomit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
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Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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