Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
