I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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