your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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