Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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