dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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