so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
