Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
