I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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