I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
