dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
