I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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