Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
