i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
