HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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