rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
