take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
