she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
