I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
